Heart racing, hands clammy, thoughts of desperation — this combination of feelings were first felt a few days before my wedding. I really thought nothing of it. “Maybe too much caffeine.” “Maybe nervous about the big day.” The feelings passed. Fast forward to about four days into our honeymoon.
Here’s the scene: it’s early December in Colorado and the newlywed Foster-Whiddons are settled into our cozy cabin. The love of my life has just left to pick up dinner while I was snuggled up in the most comfortable bed ever. One moment I am happy… and the next I am convinced I am dying! The news is playing on the TV in the background, reporting about a strain of the flu that is killing people who should have been able to live through it. I was so unaware of the emotional triggers that set me off; I did not realize that even the news played a part in my panic attack. All of a sudden my heart was racing, hands clammy, and the thought of death filled my brain. Everything in me believed that I was going out like this — a newlywed bride in Colorado waiting on her sub sandwich! I think I tried to call Eric; I am not sure. It is all a little fuzzy. All I could think was, “I need help! I am going to die!” I was so hot, yet so cold. I ran to open the door to the cabin, praying “Please let Eric come back quickly!” I left the door open. I got a hand towel and soaked it with cold water. I sat it the middle of the cabin floor with the towel on my head, the door open in the Colorado winter, and I called 911. And this, my friends, is how my new husband of less than a week found me. To put it mildly, he was a little taken back.
I can SO laugh about it now! But not then. At that moment, the chains locked down on me. That is the moment I sentenced my brain to bondage. I agreed that death was the very worst thing that could ever happen to me. I became captive to my thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. I can see it now. It makes me very sad to think about all that happened on the inside that day. It was the day I unknowingly gave up. God was moving me on a path to freedom, but I just bowed to this thing that had come to steal, kill, and destroy.
Let’s pause the discussion regarding what started happening in my heart that day. Instead, let’s consider what happened to me physically. I told the nice 911 lady on the phone (who I know for sure thought I was crazy) that I was fine; my husband was back and everything would be OK. I hung up the phone and looked at the man I so loved. The man I prayed for. I never imagined that I, a girl who was pregnant at 15, would be loved by a man like him. But God’s love for me caused my dreams to come true. As I sat there, I was trying to laugh it off. I believed, “No good things really happen for me.” I believed that he was going to see past whatever motivated him to marry me and finally see the “real” me — crazy, broken, and unable to get anything right. Did I know I had all that happening in my heart and mind in the 30 seconds it happened? Nope. I was clueless regarding what happened deep within. I put the towel up. I ate a little of my food and crawled back in bed, unaware of the long season that was ahead of me.
I cry now as I write this. I cry for a few reasons. One: I know so many of you are struggling. I would never want another human to feel the ways I have felt in my darkest moments. The truth is that you are feeling them or someone you know is. It is heartwrenching for me. Two: I cry because I still hurt for young, naive, newlywed Vanessa as she sat on the cabin floor that day. It took years for me to dig up the roots that tried to strangle me with their lies. Even as I sit here typing this, I have to declare God’s truth over myself.
There is much more to this story, more than I can tell in one post. Over the next few weeks, I will open up my heart and let it bleed again so you can know you are not alone. You can also know that there is freedom. I would love to tell you that God healed me in a moment’s notice. Spoiler: that’s not what happened. Though it was a long ordeal, I’m not sure if I would change the process that God used to bring my healing… even if I could. Really, guys – there is no way around this monster. You will have to walk through it. But I see you. You are not moving. You have stopped. You are paralyzed in fear and you no longer trust. I was there also. The only person who can truly walk with you through this is God himself. You are going to have to feel it, see it, and believe again. God wants that for you. He will not leave you in the process. In the middle of your next panic attack, you will think He has jumped ship. But He has not. I am right here on the other side, cheering you on with tears rolling down my face. I know that this is a fight for your life and that’s what God wants (and what I want) for you – real, true, free, abundant life.
Here are some tips I have learned the hard way about dealing with anxiety.
Things that triggered my anxiety:
All forms of caffeine
My body craved it because it was so tired, but as soon as it hit my system my fight-or-flight button was pushed and I was sure to struggle.
Lack of sleep
Try to go to bed. I would have to take lots of naps because night time is when I struggled the most.
Poor diet
Your body and mind are struggling. Eating the sugar-candy-crap is not helping. I know your body is screaming for it because it perceives that it needs more fuel to fight this monster, but don’t feed it junk. It just makes it worse.
Too much time alone
I get it. You want to be alone. You don’t want to small-talk because things are hard. Isolation makes it harder. Talk things out. Get outside. Go do something.
News or shows related to death
You know all those ER and medical mystery shows? Nope, I could not watch them. I would be calling 911 that night because if Bob was having a heart attack, so was I.
Things that helped reduce or relieve my anxiety:
My relationship with God
He felt far away and I was not happy in this struggle, but I held on to the hope that He really did hold my life in his hands. He also saw me through each and every time I thought I was breathing my last breath.
Medication
Sorry if you were hoping I got through this journey without it. Oh, trust me… I tried. Then I learned about the damage I was doing to my body by staying in freak-out mode all the time. Did the medication stop it all? No. Not only did I have a chemical imbalance, but I also had a stronghold that would only be broken over time. Medication helped the imbalance which gave me a little more emotional margin to deal with the underlying spiritual issue.
Meditation/breathing
The last thing someone in my condition wanted to do was sit still and think about every breath I would inhale and exhale. This one took a while, but the practice is very powerful. God is the breath in our lungs and should not be feared.
Playing “Candy Crush”
No joke. Ask my husband. It starts working another part of your brain and helps you to calm down.
Cold water
Cold water right on the face! At one time I would just lay a wet cloth on my head, but one day I got serious. I just throw cold water on myself. It shocks your system, or at least it did mine. Shortly afterward, I would calm down.