I have been experiencing a little bit of writer’s block… or maybe I have been trying to avoid how I feel, not wanting to share because some things just feel too raw to put into words. Not only do words feel too raw, but sometimes the words don’t have enough weight; they feel light and my situation feels heavy. My head is all turned upside down, but I felt the need to get the words out and let the thoughts breathe.
We are in the process of packing and cleaning out our home, getting ready for “the big move.” Today I have not felt the best, so I have spent a good bit of the day in the bed. I still wanted to be helpful, so I took to cleaning out the bottom drawer of my bedside table. You know, that drawer that holds all the random things. We all have that drawer, right? What I thought would be an easy task turned into a crying breakdown. Everything in that drawer re-creates a memory in my mind, but every thing in that drawer cannot go to England with me.
That drawer holds one of the first Bible studies that I did with Eric’s mom before I even started dating him. That Bible study reminds me of starting the hard process of untangling myself from panic attacks.
There is artwork in the drawer that means nothing… yet means everything.
Journals with unfinished pages… and a few pages with the richest memories.
Bracelets made of pipe cleaners and beads.
Reports cards that represent long nights and hard work.
You must know — I really am not sentimental. Ask my husband. But this situation felt different. The Bible study, journal, bracelet, and report cards are just things. I know that. The struggle started with the thought “What if I forget?” You know when you look at a photo and it jars your memory and you have an emotional connection with it? I know guys — all this sounds so silly, which is why I have not wanted to give my thoughts life. But as silly as it may sound, it is in me and I need to get it out. I am mostly OK with parting with stuff. Memories, on the other hand, I am not OK with forgetting.
Some would say, “Vanessa! They are your memories… you can’t forget them.” I beg to differ. Just like the Israelites, I can quickly forget the goodness of God when things get tough. I can quickly dismiss all the years of hard work that we as a family have already come through. Life, situations, and people change so fast. My son outgrew his favorite pants in one month and I am over here holding onto the cute little Amazing Hulk shirt he wore when he was two. It is easy to forget his innocence when his 12 year old hormones are driving me crazy! So yes, I forget. But in this next season I pray the Lord fills my mind with wonderful things, beautiful memories new and old, in a way that no one momento can.
Some of these things may go with me, but most will be boxed to keep here in a closet at a grandparent’s house. Why? I am really not sure. To look at later? To pass down for my kids to look at and remember? It is all so strange, but yet so precious. It is also quite comical to think that three generations from now some great grandkid will be wondering why she has my Bible study and will be throwing it in the trash.
This cleaning out season is hard. It is sad and a bit painful. Normally when I write, I try to end on a “good” note, to tie up the post with words like a pretty little bow. But not today. My world is changing and I will do the healthy work of feeling every last ache till all that is left is the joy of a very bright future!