Hello friend! We are still in Moultrie. We are really not behind schedule on leaving yet, although it feels like we have been preparing to leave ever since Eric got his acceptance letter from Cambridge back in January. I often see people around town and they say “Oh, you are still here?” Yes, we are still here. Our hope is to fly out at the end of July or beginning of August, but really we are having to hold each plan that we have with open hands.
Open hands… so much easier said than done.
I like to think I am a free spirit, but once again this opportunity is reflecting back to me more places where I am not free. I find myself asking the same question as the people who I see in town:
“Oh, you are still here?”
Apparently I’m still in a place where I need control, I need the map, and I need to know.
So far I have been good with the idea of going to Cambridge. I have been good with selling my house and moving into someone else’s home temporarily until we can fly out. I have been good with selling all our things. I think in my head, “I am working this ‘Jesus Gypsy’ dream.”
UNTIL this week!
We have been long-distance home hunting. This is not ideal, but it can be done. I have been so thrilled ever since God put the missional call of taking the hospitality of the Gospel to Cambridge in our hearts. In my head, I started dreaming of a home where the kitchen was large. The living room would have plenty of space for my growing teens to have all their English friends over. I would be in the dining room having coffee or tea with a few college girls or English moms. The picture in my head was magical.
So we looked for homes along these lines that would also be in a good location for schools for the kids. After reaching out to many realtors, this week we were finally able to connect with the right person to get the ball rolling on a home that I loved. In fact, we put in applications on two great houses on Wednesday with this realtor and she was really on top of her game, helping us get stuff nailed down. On Friday a third wonderful house popped up with her office and we reached out to add it to the list… only to be stopped by a very discouraging email. She told us that she could not rent us any properties until we have our visas in-hand. That won’t happen until the end of July at the earliest. What else are we hoping to do at the end of July? That’s right… fly to Cambridge. But now it was looking like we would not be flying to a home that we could call our own. (We also cannot apply for our kids to be placed in school until we have a Cambridge address. That is a whole different story and there is not enough room in this post for it.)
This information really took the wind out of our sails. In the meantime, Eric was having a conversation with Peterhouse, the Cambridge college where he will be a member, to see if they had housing for us. The University of Cambridge is made up of 31 colleges and it is the colleges that help students find university-owned housing, like dorms or flats. Eric had reached out to them months ago when we began looking for a house, and they told him they could not help. They normally don’t have flats or houses for a family of our size. He reached out to them again earlier this week because they have begun to assign lodging for college members. It was a long shot, but he figured he’d touch base one more time. (He’s thorough like that!)
He woke up on Friday to an email from Peterhouse. They do have a house available! They described it as a “rare” situation that they would have a house like this available to a graduate student (we guess that they would normally offer houses like this to the professors who are members of the college).
Peterhouse has a home for us! But it’s not ideal… it is a lot smaller. Like three bedrooms, one and a half bath, and a small kitchen “smaller”. Peterhouse even offered to furnish the house for us, which they usually don’t do in situations like these. We would be set! The house is also right in the middle of everything we will be doing in our new life at the University, right around the corner from all the places where Eric will live buried under his books.
Friend, this seems like God’s loving provision from every angle that you look at it… except through my eyes, with my dream in mind. It has been heartbreaking for me. The breaking I feel is deep down. The breaking is happening in a place so uncomfortable, a place so raw. I would love to tell you I have prayed and adjusted my heart and I am in a good place, but that is not real.
I am really still struggling.
I have been in the world of self-reflection long enough to tell you the deep struggle is not about the size of the kitchen or the number of rooms, but it is something deeper. Honestly, this is a new place for me. This is not fear, anxiety, or worry. What I am feeling is something new… but I know it is not, not really. I know it is touching some old lie that has been etched deep within me. There is something in my heart, mind and soul that God is after and I find myself wanting to hide my heart from God, just like a stubborn child not letting her parent get the splinter out of her hand. I will be even more honest with you: to my heart, moving into this home feels more like dreams dying and lies being affirmed than God’s loving provision.
It is really hard for me to explain the sadness I feel. Even as I write it out, the words feel silly, like a spoiled child not getting what she wants. I am confused by my emotions. All of it just makes me want to hide my heart even more.
I have loved God long enough to know his plan is good. I know he has good in store for me. I also know that to get to the other side of this, I have to let him have my heart and get this splinter out.
Can I ask you… are you also hiding your splinter from God? Do you find yourself saying, “Oh, you’re still here?” Do you find yourself heartbroken over losing what you thought things would look like? Do you find yourself, like me, dancing with the idea of hanging on to your hurt just a little bit longer? Marinating in the thoughts of how it should be? What you “deserve”? If you are in this place, I feel you. You are not alone. I want to encourage you as I encourage myself. We can trust God with our hearts. We can fully sit in our pain with no judgment from him. He will kindly show us the bigger issues behind our hurt. He will remove the splinter of confusion, hurt, and disappointment. Again, all of this is not about the size of a house but about the position of my heart. I ask God again and again to untangle my heart, mind, and soul. I ask him to give me a willing heart to undergo the process of becoming more like him. I ask to be untangled everyday. What about you?
Love you, friend!